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yesterday was the election..
i voted my first time..
and i was happy with it..
so why do people insist on making me feel like shit.
i went from a couple of extremes today..
manuel and i went down to his aunt's house
where the majority is republican bible thumping yes on 8's ..
and there i was..
one lonely little liberal in a room full of conservatives.
to afraid to defend my beliefs but instead just saying yeah yeah ..
and changing the subject..
she said i shouldn't be afraid to say who i voted for
i said i shouldn't be attacked either..
she's the one who's best friend is gay and she still voted yes on 8.
doesn't she love him enough to think that he might want to marry the person he loves one day..
 i guess not..
she said it was because he laughed and called them breeders..
and she thought hey they laugh at me one moment and then want the same rights i do ..
fuck that.
news flash you don't have to be married to have children..
i wasn't overly preachy..
i made a comment about something someone had said earlier..
about people saying that obama was the antichrist because all the signs were lining up
and i said i was happy with the way things turned out..
and i get attacked..
because of the fact that i don't own a house or buisness and i'm not currently employed this election does not effect me...
this election effects everyone..
more frustrations to be added.
i just hate all this bullshit propoganda tossed out by both sides..
i'm done with it all..
and i shouldn't be criticized about my life by anyone..
especially in my opinion to make themselves feel better about the way they are living themselves..
i'm fucking sick of it..
and i want to give up.
i get to manuel's house.
and my grandma calls me after the news was announced.
and asks me if i voted she was so happy..
and she knew who i voted for already.
no need to ask ..
she asked me who manuel voted for..
i told her..
mccain ???..
we have to change him she says half jokingly..
i explained to manuel after i hung up..
manuel was raised in a more conservative household..
i was raised in a rather liberal one..
each party is pretty open with their beliefs when it comes to that..
and that's it..
i don't judge him.
he doesn't judge me.
i leave it at that..
this entry is me rambling to no end again..
i wanna manuel and i move away..
far away and never see any of the members of our family again..
that would make me partially happy..
at least for a while..
the grandma that hates me ..
the one that thinks i'm a waste of space..
is going to be at our thanksgiving..
if i were only born a boy she might not think of me this way.
i feel like calling my mama and scrapping thanksgiving with her..
it's still early enough to so maybe.

My love for benjamin gibbard has just been cemented after watching
their live performance on conan..
i never realized he was so tall..
conan shakes his hand and it's like whoa.. he's only a few inches shorter than him.
he is no longer so ugly he's beautiful ..
he's just beautiful ..
or maybe it's the way he sings the line..
"and you closed the door on so many men who would've loved you more".


manuel bought me an awesome present for my birthday..
a really nice brown swing coat..
will post pictures..:D

Aug. 17th, 2008

i seem to be dwelling on somethings right now that have begun to piss me off ..
mostly about manuel..
i hate that i feel like crying when he does these things.
such as.
my family attacked me a bit the other night ..
asking me questions to which mostly i have no answers..
and he doesn't stick up for me..
he doesn't even hold my hand..
he leaves ..
as soon as he starts hearing the disparaging remarks.
leaving me alone to defend myself 
1 against. 7.
not quite a fair fight.
and this morning i ran upstairs to change so that we could go to the movies and asked him to put away the leftover food.
just one favor not to much to ask i think.
i change and come downstairs we leave
tonight i come back open the refrigerator door and 
i find my now melted frozen cheesecake soggy and depressing on the bottom rack.
jenny and i had worked pretty hard on those..
it makes tears well up..
i try not to care about these little things.
but they build up and consume me till i can't breathe.
is that normal??..
i love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
but how do i make him understand without
him thinking that i'm attacking him??..
i hadn't had much sleep last night.
and i was all around in a bad mood..
so after watching tropic thunder..
and  1/4 of mirrors 
we go back to manny's house..
him and i pass out on his bed.
a couple hours later he tells me he's leaving and if i want to come..
i moan a bit and which i guess was a no because when i woke up he was gone.
a while later michael storms into the room and ecks me more than i would like.
voicing over things he's seen in movies telling stories i've heard a million 
times before ..
ugh cubed.
i'm usually o.k. around him when i'm in a good mood.
but when i'm in a bad mood i'm uber bitchy and snap at the slightest thing.
i need to take a shower..

couldn't sleep last night again.

my aunt keeps calling..
something about me watching her dog while their away.
what is it about yuppies and their dogs?..

i haven't seen my cousin in what feels like years.
i'm getting really excited about seattle especially since manuel is contemplating coming with mama and me.
i would like him to get a bit closer to my family 
especially since i just recently met some distant relatives of his..
i miss my brother so much..
i havent seen him in a year..
and in a couple of weeks back to nevada..
i want to go back in the winter as well i loved the weather there in the winter..
the air was brisk and fresh ..
my poor knuckles freezing right through.
so nevada in the summer isn't looking as fun..
but i'm dying to see my grandmother again.
i had to fight back the tears while she didn't onthe phone the other day.
beach days are beyond fun.
michael annoys me more than ever but i'm learning to live with it.
pictures beyond cut.


pictures from the midknight showing.

Poll #1208861 Hair dye choices.

For dying your hair those wacky colors which do you prefer?.

Manic Panic.
Punky Colour.